What cures a heavy heart? Or the better question, what causes a heavy heart? It appears to me that my heart has been heavy and restless lately, I am not sure why. Maybe it is the pressures of school, the stresses of life, the lack of sleep, the fact that Gepetto (one of my pet frogs for the past 5 years) is sick and I'm not sure whether he'll live through the week, that Jack (my car) is once again out of commission, or maybe my sinful desires that lead me away from the Lord. Unfortunately, it is more than likely all of the above.
I am not complaining or at least that is not my intent. For I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know that God won't give me anything that I can't handle. But I often feel like I'm leading a double life, and I probably am. Here I am attending a Bible College, I desire to go into full time ministry, my heart is to encourage and support others through prayer and through any means that would build them up. Yet, in the silence of my heart I am harboring sin and on more than one occasion that sin that so secretly festers in my heart makes an appearance through my actions. So, this only leads to the question, what right do I have to be where I am at and still be doing what I am doing?
I know that one of the crippling notions in the mind and heart of a Christian is 'I need to be perfect in order to carry out God's work. Everyone else is perfect so therefore I must be as well.' But this is a lie, those around us that appear to be perfect are struggling with the same lie of perfection. So, here I am struggling with the lie of perfection. I know I am not perfect, I know that my life consists of hardships and sin, so why then is it so hard to face the reality of sin? Why am I so eager to boast about one sin in hopes to be free, and then keep another sin safeguarded securely in the depths of my heart? We are called to die to ourselves daily, we have been set free through the blood of Christ, and our old self has been transformed into a precious new life. Why then do we live in our old ways, rather than in the new? How do we die to sin, in order to become imitators of Christ?
I want to be free from this sin, I want to be able to be alone and know that I am safe from these temptations. But moreover I want my heart to be broken, so that I will have a desire to give this to the Lord. I want to be broken so that I will desire Christ more than I desire myself or my sin. In the words of Henri Nouwen, 'My hope is that the description of God's love in my life will give you the freedom and courage to discover...God's love in yours.' This is my prayer, but I wonder what it will take for this to flourish into action rather than simply words.
My heart is heavy, my spirit is restless. I want to die to myself; I want to surrender all things. School is temporal, life is the circumstances the Lord uses to mold us in His image giving Glory to Himself, Sleep is rest the Lord gives teaching us to 'Be Still', Octavius and Gepetto (my frogs) are little miracles the Lord has given to bring joy to many hearts but this too is temporal, Jack is the venue the Lord uses to test my faith to trust Him more, and Christ has redeemed my soul from the torment of sin. These truth ring true, I am praying that I will holdfast, but nonetheless my heart is heavy and restless, will the steadfast truths be enough to cure?